:(

Friday I had my pregnancy test. This was the day I had been waiting for. I went in thinking and actually having that gut feeling that I was not. I had not any phone calls that something was not wrong so I just had a feeling. But I wanted to be so wrong. I wanted to be pregnant so bad. I waited all day for my phone call. I was so nervous. I had been with Jon spending the day and we stopped at Target to grab a 1/2 gallon of milk for Tyler and of course I get my phone call in the middle of Target. I walked as fast as my body would move to the check out counter with tears running down my face. I know they thought I was crazy. I paid and walked outside still trying not to lose my cool completely and I could not see the truck so I called Jon. I could not even talk to him and I started loosing it. He knew and said he would be up in a second. As soon as I sat in the truck, I cried my eyes out. He parked and held me and that was what I needed at the moment. I dried it up and sucked it up and told him to take us to our hotel. I wanted to start our weekend and I did not want to focus on it. The hardest part was telling everyone. Jon helped call or text family because I would start crying over again. Thank you God for letting us have a marriage retreat that weekend that I could devote my mind to. I went from sad to mad in a very short time but as the weekend went on I was okay. My stomach has started shrinking and the swelling is going down. My stomach is still purple and I have huge knots of progesterone still sitting in my hips. They now itch like crazy because my body is trying to fight it like it is a foreign object. (Fun times) I am still a emotional mess from all the estrogen I was pumping in which is not super fun either. This was a journey I was not prepared to go on. I tried my hardest to bare and grin it but that is not a journey I am choosing to ever go on again. I can not handle the shots. The pain they caused made me crazy and made me feel like a bad mommy to my child on some days. THAT is the worst feeling ever. My main concern is taking care of my child.

Jon and I are not giving up yet, though. Today I had my follow up with the doctor in Nashville. He has no idea why I did not get pregnant by my test results I should have gotten pregnant. He understood I did not want to do the shots anymore and since I have gotten pregnant twice with clomid we are trying that again. It will be different than I have ever done it though. I am taking birth control to let my ovaries rest and then I will take clomid on my next cycle. I will have to take the blood thinner shots but they do not hurt at all, they just make me bruise really easily and my stomach turns black. He is also going to give me a trigger shot to make sure my egg releases and I am going to take the progesterone and estrogen as a pill form instead of the shots. We are going to pray this works and that if it is in God's timing he will bless us with a child. We probably will not use medication after this if it does not work. This treatment will put us at the end of our deadline to get pregnant and deliver before Jon's next deployment.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers during this trying time for our family.